I will never forget the moment in my life when I frantically called my husband to come to the medical imaging centre immediately.
“They think I have breast cancer! Just come!” That is about the only thing I remember saying after a very sobering conversation with the Radiologist.
While my husband was en route, I was immediately taken for my very first mammogram. I had just turned 43 and I had no history of breast cancer in my family. Moments later in the office, I collapsed into my husbands arms and pounded on his chest, crying and saying “this can’t be me, this can’t be me!”
My life was turned upside down in an instant.
Referrals, painful biopsies, appointments, waiting, results confirming my worst fear all rushed in like a massive wave.
A major collision of my fear and faith.
“Jesus, I need you”
Those first days and weeks were ones of the wildest ranges of emotions I have ever experienced. My faith was challenged at every level. Crumbling under the weight of fear and darkness one moment, and rising up in faith for my healing the next. God was in each of those moments. He saw me in my broken fragile state, and also saw my hands reaching for Him. He assured me that He could handle it all.
This major detour in my life undoubtedly brought me to my knees. I have experienced the power, presence, and closeness of the Holy Spirit like never before. Worship became my weapon.
Family and friends far and wide have rallied around me. A “team” cheering me on. Battling in prayer in my behalf. I desperately wanted, and needed that. I realized that it would be so easy to be completely dependent on that in a situation like this. These people, my “team”, have been Jesus with skin on to me. They have changed the atmosphere with their prayers and spoken life over me. For that, I am so grateful.
But, in those first days and weeks, the Lord gently challenged me, His daughter.
“It has to start with you... Your faith, your trust, your dependency on Me, your security in Me, your belief in healing has to start with you. Alone, in the quiet, when no one else is watching. When the tears are streaming down your face in the shower, when your hair is falling out, and you are too weak to stand, it is Me, and Me alone that will rescue you.”
I had to be the one to pitch this game. No one was going to sub me out. My “team” was going to play a critical role, but I was the only one that would be standing on the mound having to pitch the game of my life with God as my Manager.
“Jesus, show me how”
Breathe in and breathe out. I am in YOU, and YOU are in me. Your heartbeat next to mine. Healing me from the inside out. Revealing compassion towards me. A God of mercy. Suffering when I suffer. His eyes seeing the pain that I have to endure. His hands catching every tear that falls.
This diagnosis, this disease did NOT come from His nail scarred hand.
He shows me, tells me, reminds me the significance of the cross. Not just for the forgiveness of sins, but for every curse placed on us. Every evil assignment. Every sickness and disease. Psalm 103:3. Isaiah 55:3
The provision of Salvation, Healing, Rescue.....
A renewed revelation.
“Jesus, manifest this in me”