“I felt like I stopped growing and I lost my true self. I was really frustrated that I became weak because there was nothing I could do to get out of this funk … But I was able to realize again that God embraced us with overflowing love no matter who we were and who we are.”
As I started a new journey of my life in Canada, everything was challenging to me. Although I prepared coming to Canada with prayers and I confessed so many times that I will live as a daughter of God wherever I go and whatever I do, it was so painful to see my life with tears and complaints instead of songs of praise and thanksgivings. I discovered different side of me that I have never seen before. Whenever I was surrounded by new people in strange culture, I lost my confidence. Whenever I faced with new experiences, I was afraid. Whenever I heard someone was talking about me, I became easily offended. I hated myself as I saw I started to avoid people and choose to be alone. I was weakening and losing myself. It was painful to see my weakness that I was not brave enough to overcome the obstacles. I felt like I stopped growing and I lost my true self. I was really frustrated that I became weak because there was nothing I could do to get out of this funk.
When I was in need of something to happen, I had an opportunity to go on a mission trip to volunteer in summer bible camp. I had lots of flaws –I was not perfect in English, I was sinful, and I was far away from God. But I was able to realize again that God embraced us with overflowing love no matter who we were and who we are. When I finally fixed my eyes upon Him, I realized his greatness, holiness, and perfect love. I am so thankful that He opened my eyes to see him during the season that I hated my weak self and I put one little step to him to confess my weakness. Although I have experienced more of Our good Father, I still sometimes forget who he is whenever I have to stand on the out of comfort zone and I am afraid and want to step back. I really want to become more comfortable to communicate with people, share our lives and share God’s love but there are lots of moments that I cannot do and talk what I want to because of my previous experience that I felt offended. However, now I know God who keeps sending his message of love and keeps his eyes on me. Now I can step forward and accept life challenge by knowing that he will show his love that it cannot be covered with the sky and the ocean through my weakness.